2017 Cadet Week A Real Winner

It's here.  More powerful than Domestos...more exciting than a second helping of school dinners...more breathtaking than an extra strong mint...and more fun than an afternoon out with Sooty...Yes it's the Gunfleet 2017 Cadet Week - starting on Monday 31 July - sponsored by DONG Energy.

Brace yourself for a real wacko of a week with racing, sail training, and team events....it's going to be awesome!  Read on.....

Monday... Holy de moley – it’s Monday morning at “silly o’clock” and mum’s banging on the door – what’s the matter, is the cat on fire?  Hang on, we haven’t got a cat.  Have we won the lottery?  Am I late for school?  Hold-up, it’s the summer holidays!  What’s the date?  Monday 31 July, that’s interesting now can I get some sleep for a few more hours?  What’s that, do I know what day it is?  Course I do - Monday 31 July, that rings a bell.....oh cripes, it’s the start of Gunfleet’s 2017 Cadet Week....Mum, why didn’t you wake me earlier?

Let’s get dressed, where’s my 1847 Cadet Week T-shirt?  Well it might have been nearer ten to seven, arf, arf!  I must make my white trainers look the bizz – what can I use to clean them?  I know – toothpaste.  Dad won’t mind me using his toothbrush; what?  Use mine?  Come off it, that just wouldn’t be hygienic.  What do you mean – does toothpaste really work?  Look, you can see, my trainers have never had any fillings!

Yeah, I’ll stick a Weetabix behind my ear and eat it when I get there – must dash – bye mum.

Cor – it’s all going on – banners up and flags flying.  Good old DONG Energy - sponsoring the Week once more - brill!  And there’s a load of my old mates, already changed and rigging their boats – hey...wait for me.  Wow I like your bright pink polo-shirt Mrs. Cadet Officer, my mum’s got a pair of gloves that colour – Marigolds!  

Claire’s calling us in for the briefing and the Commodore is honking his horn – what’s the matter mate – got hay-fever?  Just a few do’s and don’ts, OK, I can handle them.  The teams are being picked and this year there are three larger teams rather than four smaller one – that makes sense.  Oh, and each team has a mascot – mine will be Beyonce please.  Right, you have to put your hand in that big bag and feel which one you want – I reckon I should find Beyonce in there no trouble.  Alright, it is only the Team Captains that go for the Mascot – lucky old Tom and Harry...and I was just warming my hands.  So, here are the Teams:

1. Harry’s Team – Piggy Power

2. Tom’s Team – K-F-Sea

3. Beth/Ross’s Team – Frank N Stick

Now for the serious bit – the sailing instructions for this morning’s race and here comes our Commodore to run through it; what’s that – sausages and triangles, are you trying to be funny?

It’s great to be out on the water although it is quite breezy – oh no, there’s the first casualty – good old Alex and Henry, straight over in their 405.  Toppers and Topazes are first away with Jude and Harry leading the Topaz fleet (hoy - where’s your Laser Harry?), whilst it’s Ted in the Toppers.  As the boats beat down the coast to the Eastcliff buoy Beth and Freddie are driving their Topaz into the lead and have got round the mark first.  

Oh look; the Hobie 405s and the Menagerie fleet are setting off and heading straight out to sea, in order to gain ground with the first of the flood tide; Tom and Ed are off to a flying start in their 405 – go it boys, whilst Alfie leads the Menagerie fleet in his Pico.  These guys are having to complete a larger course, beating to the St. Michael’s buoy and then heading out to the Seaward mark on a broad reach.  Cripes, the wind seems to have freshened, and the waves are continuing to get larger, but it won’t deter us Gunfleet chaps as we sheet hard-in, hang right out, and drive our craft as hard as we can.  Hey - Having successfully, or in some wet cases – unsuccessfully, gybed around the Seaward buoy it’s going to be a very lively reach in to the AWS mark and then a fetch back out to sea.  That second gybe has caught a few of you out, again, but not me – wooooahhh spoke to soon; now, a broad reach to the Kingscliff buoy before beating back through the line.  Just before the completion of the first lap I see Thomas and Lauren capsize in their Topaz but they’re soon up and on their way.

That was a slog but now for the second lap; the wind appears to have backed southerly and there are some really close tussles in the Topaz fleet, particularly noticeable are Harrison and Mac who, in the end, outsmarted Maddie and Francesca, but not without a fight.  Owen and Joshua seem to have suffered a bad capsize; look they’ve retired; the Club’s Rescue Boats is towing their stricken Topaz ashore; are you OK lads? 

At the end of the race it’s victory for Ted in his Topper, Beth and Freddie in their Topaz, Tom and Ed in the 405s and Alfie in the Menagerie fleet, and how did I do?  Well let’s not talk about that

Results – Class Points 1:

Toppers:

1. Ted Newson

Topazes:

1. Beth Elliott & Freddie Spooner

2. Thomas Aiken & Lauren Hooper

3. Jude Aylen & Harry Swinbourne

405’s:

1. Tom & Ed Philpot

2. Alex Corbett & Henry Spooner

Menagerie:

1. Pico – Alfie Searles

I’m starving, is that “F” flag flying yet?  Look, there it goes, up the pole...quick – time to tuck-in - Bangers and Mash, plus peas, followed by fruit...Mmm...mmmmmmm.  What's that - our mascot's gone missing; oh, they all have, and we've got to find them - that's a bit cheeky!

Claire’s calling us all together – let’s all get in a muddle in the hiddle of the Clubhouse...no, that’s not right; oh yes, let’s all get in a huddle in the middle of the Clubhouse; here, what have you been putting in my orange squash?  It’s Team games and first is “All Abroad” what, are we sailing to France?  Oh, sorry it’s “All Aboard”, I think I must have a bit of mash in my ears!  Our Team leaders are off, sailing single handed around the buoy and back to the beach.  Hello, Harry has grabbed Henry, Owen jumps aboard with Beth and Tom has scooped up Sophie.  Off they go again, round that buoy....and so it goes on.  Hang on – Beth has lost her boom, the Rescue Boat is bringing her in – quick, grab another Topaz.  How many are in each boat now?  Well I think I can count 7 in Harry’s boat...oh no, it’s 8 – someone was sitting on George!  Cor, this is a bit of a lark – oh, you’ve got mashed potato in your ear too...hold-up, do I see a bit of sausage too.  That reminds me of last year’s Cadet Week when old matey had some jelly in one ear and some custard and sponge cake in the other – that’s right – he was a trifle deaf...Arf...arf!

Next Game now – What did our Cadet Officer just say?  Balls-up?  Well I only asked!  Oh, I get it – that’s the name of the game.  Dave and Keith are going to throw millions of balls into the sea; well yes, I might exaggerate just a bit, but there are loads.  We’ve got to sail out and pick them up, that’s not unreasonable.  Hey, there’s more bodies in the sea than balls, aren’t we supposed to be in the boats?  No, oh well, everyone overboard – not you old chap, youve got to sail around and pick us all up.  Well we are all ashore and there are balls coming out of everywhere!  Behind life-jackets, in spray tops, up her arms, down his legs, now where did I put my ball?  What do you mean...only one – you know what they say...every little helps.  And Piggy Power seems to have got that.

I can hear those magic words – CAKE BREAK – quick, up to the Clubhouse and get stuck in, I’m starving.  Cor – what a selection; yes please a pint of your best mild blackcurrant juice would slip down a treat.  Wow – look at the time, just time for one more game.  This time it’s the Water Balloon Game.  Is that I see Harry on a Topaz with Thomas and young Sam.  They’re heading out to Rescue Boat 2 to pick-up their mascot – that pretty little pig – oink, oink!   Tom’s got Lauren and Sophie and they’re on their way to pick up that rubber chicken; right... K-F-Sea, I get it!  And who has Beth got in the boat, as they head out to pick up their gruesome rubber stick – oh yea – Frank N Stick!!

The mascots are handed in and the rest of the team carry water balloons along the promenade to Eastcliff Cafe – I’m sure they will be pleased!!  Oh right, got you, the boats sail off to there and pick the water balloons up and bring them back.  Careful with those balloons Belle, Emily and Jessie.  Watch out Ben – whoops!  And the boats set off back but disaster strikes Frank N Stick as they capsize when they gybe their Topaz....there go those balloons.  Now hurry back all of you, the balloons have been counted and it’s time to have a water balloon fight – let’s get the helpers!!!  Oooops, sorry Claire.

The “O” flag is flying – and that means everyone Out the water and Off home – what a really brill start to 2017 Cadet Week, and as for tomorrow – Bring it on! 

Tuesday – Well I woke up this morning with half a tonne of sand in my bed and, if that wasn’t bad enough, I’ll swear I saw a crab scuttle under the bed.  Maybe I should pinch myself to check this isn’t all a dream, or shall I leave the pinching to the crab.  Did you know there was a crab that went to a disco and pulled a muscle?  Yeah, he was so drunk he was walking forward!  Now, where I my wet boots; oh yeah, they’re still on my feet, I couldn’t get the bloomin’ things off yesterday.

I can’t hear any noise outside so I’ll have a quick look out the window to see what the weather is doing...oh, it looks quite good, blue skies and sunshine, and a reasonable breeze – let’s go for it.  Alright mum I will make sure I have got everything:

Wetsuit – check

Spray top – check

Buoyancy aid – check

Wet boots – check – well I am wearing them aren’t I?

Money – check; no, hang on, a cheque’s no good to me – I need cash...dosh...spondulicks...wonga...lovely smackers; ouch - mum, I was only joking!

Oh, it’s good to be back at the Club; morning Claire, howdy Stuart, hi Helen.  Let’s get the boat out and rigged; just in time as that was the horn for today’s briefing.  Here come the scores for yesterday – in third place is the Frank N Stein Team, in second place it’s Piggy Power, and in the lead, just, it’s K-F-Sea – well done chaps.  Now for the race briefing:  So it’s round there, out there, back there, in there, knit one - purl one, and twice round the number you first thought of – what is he on about?  Now for the next tricky bit, what do those flags mean?  Cor, the Toppers are off and it’s Ted in the lead again, but Lauren is certainly pulling all the stops out; by the time they get to Eastcliff the gap is seriously closed – this could be very interesting.  Now it’s the turn of the Topazes.  Jude and Esme are in the lead and, even better, they are close to the shore as they sail close hauled down the coast to the Eastcliff buoy.  But watch out because Beth and Freddie seem to be doing a good job, albeit further out to sea; and look, Owen and Joshua are staying close to the shore and are making ground.  Finally it must be time for the 405s and Menagerie fleet to get under way.  Harry’s got the best start of the day in his Laser, whilst Tom and Ed lead the 405s; Alex and Henry not far behind and, once again, close to the shore.  Cripes, it’s getting rather crowded out here.  I’m sure that wind is backing southerly, like yesterday.  The Toppers and Topazes seem to have it all sewn up but look at Tom and Ed go in their 405, as they reach out to the Seaward buoy with their asymmetric spinnaker flying.  Oh...oh, spoke too soon – they’re over and...oh no...they’ve turtled the boat.  There goes Alex and Henry sailing past – is that a couple of big grins I see?.  Everyone seems to be making short work of their course, and at the end of the first lap it’s Ted first in the Topper class, Beth and Freddie are first in their Topaz, Alex and Henry first of the 405 fleet, and Harry first in the Menagerie class.  But, anything can happen in the second lap....and it does.  With Thomas and Hanna neck and neck with Harrison and Mac , the jolly old Officer Of the Day has just spotted Harrison and Mac going the wrong side of the Eastcliff buoy; naughty...naughty, that’s you two out the race.  Whoops, Lauren has capsized; s’truth, she righted that quickly.  Hey everyone, look at Tom and Ed closing the gap on Alex and Henry in the 405s, but surely they can’t get in front.  Oh no, I’ve spoken too soon, Tom and Ed have just taken the lead at the Kingscliff buoy, and it looks they’ve done it, nice touch boys!  Good old Ted kept his lead in the Toppers, Beth and Freddie claim the honours in the Topaz and Harry nails the Menagerie Race; now, where did I come?

Results – Class Points 2:

Toppers:

1. Ted Newson

2. Lauren Hooper

Topazes:

1. Beth Elliott & Freddie Spooner

2. Thomas Aiken & Hannah Aylen

3. Maddie Corbett & Francesca Cottee

405’s:

1. Tom & Ed Philpot

2. Alex Corbett & Henry Spooner

Menagerie:

1. Laser - Harry Swinbourne

2. Pico - Alfie Searles

Cor, is that lunch I can smell or is it Dave’s aftershave?  Tell you what – I’ll go for a quick dip until I see the “F”ood flag go up; hey, hang on, it is up and flying.  S’cuse me please, move along, let the rabbit see the hole.  Yeah, I will have some of that Pasta bake, oh yes, and the mashed potato with chopped onions and cheese – yummy yum, yum!  Cor, and garlic bread – thank you Galley crew, “from the heart of my bottom!”

Wow, all knocked back with a pint of draft blackcurrant juice – looks good, tastes good and really makes me feel good.

Now this afternoon we are taking part in the Sponsored Sail, in order to help raise money for the Club’s new Topper fleet.  Have you popped along to all the Club members and asked for some sponsorship?  Little Belle is selling crystals to raise money; excuse me but those crystals look remarkably like stones from the beach, how much are they?  That one’s a pound, and that one is thirty-two thousand pounds...mmmmm what a real bargain; do I look like I was born yesterday?  How much for the two?  OK, the two combined are then seven pence – now you’re talking girl!  

The wind has definitely freshened and is now blowing a force 6, with white horses in-sight, there is also quite a large swell at the water’s edge.  Right, all aboard for this sponsored sail; I’ve got a better idea, let’s have a sponsored sleep.  Where are we sailing?  Just up and down, up and down – oh lummy, I think I might get lost.  Who said it’s all reaching?  Well it’s your fault for being greedy at lunch time.  We’re away and it is quite lumpy, cor it’s busy out here – is this the M25 or what?  Hello mate, haven’t I seen you before, going the other way...what, not you again...here, have you got a twin sister?...hey, we are getting a bit of speed up, how good is that?  Kingscliff – Eastcliff – Kingscliff – Eastcliff – Kingscliff – EastKing – cliffcliff, no, that can’t be right, I’m getting dizzy; how long has it been as I am starting to feel the motion of the ocean.  I think I will sail standing up, on my knees, laying down, on my head, with my eyes closed, standing on my crew’s head!  Only another 20 minutes, then it’s cake break.  Did I hear the horn or is that the Commodore blowing his nose?  Yeah, we’re all going in, now for some cakes.  Oh look, there’s the Commodore – Watcha moosh; what was that?  Show a bit of respect – OK Mr Moosh; that’s better.

Would you just look at those cakes!  And whilst you are doing that I can eat them all...arf, arf.  Cor, can I have a lump of that please.  Hey, you, the cake’s supposed to go in your mouth.  To think, I defended you the other day; someone said you hadn’t got the manners of a pig and I said you had.

Time to cool off in the water, let’s all go for a swim – hang on, I am struggling to move from this seat, my body has been overrun with cake.  Is it that time already – the “O” flag is flying once more...time to pack-up, get changed, and head home.  Cheers y’all, thanks for a great day...see you tomorrow.  

Wednesday:  Cor , I had a bad dream last night, I dreamt I was eating a giant Weetabix, and when I woke up the mattress had gone - no breakfast for me mum, I feel rather full.  Talking of dreams, they can come true.  I had a dream that I was awake and when I woke up I found I was.......spooky or what?  Here, mum, have you seen the weather-forecast?  What was that?  Wet and Windy?  Come off it, it looks good to me out the window.  Sure you aren't looking at Granny's medical record?

What was mum on about?  I've just arrived down the Club and it looks OK - yeah, a bit breezy but then it is Cadet Week!  Look, the Commodore is putting the flags on the pole, ready for the race.  Hang on, he's stopped; never mind, it's his age you know, he's probably forgotten where he is and thinks he’s putting out the washing – here, does that pair of socks mean two laps?.  No, no, he's heading back into the Clubhouse.  What's up Comm?  You think the wind is getting up?  No, I'm sure you're wrong.  Oh, its picking-up to force 6 - no probs.  Mmmm - he's talking to our Cadet Officer; there's a lot of shaking of heads.  Oh dear - we've got to hold back on rigging our boats.  There's the horn, it's time to have our daily briefing - move over, make room for a tiddler!  Right, so what's happening Claire?  What?  Now let me get this straight - Wednesday is now Thursday but Thursday is all upside down!!!  Excuse me, but have you been at the Windolene again?  Right, let me work this out...It's forecast to be too windy tomorrow so we are swapping the programme over and will do the games from Wednesday on Thursday, and what was the programme for Thursday, now Wednesday, is on its head – with the afternoon games in the morning and, hopefully, the racing in the afternoon.  Well that now sounds simple enough, if you’ve got a degree in quantum physics (whatever that is).

So, the first game is going to be save the captain, but quickly changed to save the mascot.  Chris and Lisa are going to be launched in Rescue Boat 2 – are you two mad!!??  

First task is to be tied together as a Team and run through the Club, up the stairs, turn left and down the slope, and back to our referee.  They then untie us and we run back and forward to the sea to fill a bucket up, but with no aids except plastic cups and our imagination.  Hang on Harry, I think your imagination has got the better of you mate.  Since when was another bucket acceptable?  There are some dirty dealings going on here.  Now the bucket’s are full it’s time for the strongest swimmer in the team to head out to the Rescue Boat and collect their mascot.  Don’t forget the password – “it’s just the night for a drum solo”.  Hey, you don’t possibly think we might be getting carried away; probably by men in white coats.  Here comes Ed with a rubber chicken up his buoyancy aid; well, what he does in his private life is nothing to do with me.  Is it all over, I can’t look – I think its mainly the bucket of water that is all over, everything and everyone!  The opposing teams have captured the three mascots and are now sending pictures of them, with electric drills against their heads, threatening all sorts of dastardly things unless they get 10 million pounds in used bus tickets.  A cunning plan but it won’t succeed as we’ve just got to complete a few more games and we can then save our precious mascots – who wrote all this drivel?  

Bring on the next game please miss.  It’s that old-time favourite – Numbers Up, this should be fun.  Yeah, I know, we normally launch the boats to do this but, fair do’s, it is blowing its socks off out there.  I feel sorry for Chris and Lisa out in the Rescue Boat.  Hang on though – Lisa’s doing some lace making out there whilst Chris is digging-up his rhubarb; now that can’t be right.  Hey Chris – what do you put on your rhubarb?  Did you say horse manure?  That’s odd, I put custard on mine.  Oooooh, you’ve got to laugh.  The bottles are being flung and we’re all running into the sea and swimming after them.  Now, just remind me why I am doing this, rather than laying in bed with my ipad?  Of course, that’s right, collect as many as we can as they have numbers in the bottles and the highest score wins.  Cor, she’s got some bottle, well several actually; she just keeps pulling them out of nowhere – how long have you had this problem love?  Some of them have decided to let the others swim out to get them, and then hijack them as they come up the beach – hey, there are some dirty tricks going on.  What a load of shenanigans all around me, you wouldn’t catch me doing that; Here, let me help you with those bottles dear chap.  The bottles are all collected and the total of the numbers are being calculated – here, mate, its Wednesday and that means it’s double points day.

I’m starting to get hungry but I can see Claire is about to start the next game, which is no less than Watery Wordsearch.  It’s eleven letters long and has no letter repetition – here Claire, is it a foreign word like aperitif? – which, for those ignorant people that don’t know what that means, it’s French for a set of dentures.  See, I am not as stupid as you look!  The answer is no; well it was a waste of time mentioning it really.  Ready – give me a vowel Carol; oops, sorry, wrong game.  I’ve found the R; what’s that, you’ve got a bottle with P in it?  Well, maybe you had better rinse it out first.  Quick, back to the shore, we’ve got the eleven letters.  Now, they are I,P,A,L,R,S,O,E,M,T,N, so let’s think about this...MARMITE...no, no, no...PARLIAMENT...no, it’s not that either.  I know, I’ve cracked it (well actually overheard another team), it’s TRAMPOLINES; oh whee, it’s so good to have something to fall back on!

Golly, as if we hadn't had enough getting wet, let's all go swimming...cool; well actually the water is quite warm.  I think I've swallowed a jellyfish...what's that?...oh it's time for lunch' I think I might be full-up, with sea water at the moment.  Golly-molly we've got our picnic lunch in the clubhouse; cheese and ham sandwiches, loads of crisps - all different flavours...could I have jellyfish flavour?...what do you mean, no?  oh, alright, could I have jellyfish flavour please?  What do you mean, no?...oh, you’ve run out...very funny; hey it’s me that does the jokes Mrs S.  Pudding is a Boost Bar, if Finlay doesn’t get his hands on everyone’s first.  I’ll wash it all down with a nice cold drink of Prosecco, I mean Rio...it’s all the same.  Here, Mrs S., could I have another Boost bar for Ron...yeah...later on – arf, arf.

Wow, I feel like a bloated fat tart, but you’ll have to do love!; still, onwards and upwards.  It’s time for the wellie throwing contest – this will probably sort out the thingemibobs from the whatsanames and that’s good enough for me.  What was that, flying through the air?  Did you see that?  A wellie nearly sliced my ear off; I’m getting out of here, but keep an eye on my bits and bobs.  Watch out, a rubber chicken has just come flying out of that boot...I think this is what nightmares are made of.  Ooooh it’s my turn; what did they say?  Oh yes, swing your arm around like a windmill and then let go...now where’s that wellie gone?  Whoops, sorry Stuart.  Baloney Maloney, did you just see that boot fly, I think it just broke the speed of sound, it would have been even more impressive if she had remembered to let go.  Let’s give the wellies back to the Commodore before he notices the splits in them.  We’ll all leg-it to Eastcliff recreation ground before he throws a wobbly (which is Dutch for wellie)!  First things first – piggy-back racing; now to be fair I think Sam should carry Tom, that’s not unreasonable is it?  Golly gumdrops, look at Owen go, with Ted on his back, mind you, they’re being beaten by Maddie with Henry on her back – and they say the age of chivalry is not dead!  Now who is going to carry me – come here Belle – you look a strong ol’ gal.

Well, whilst we’re all still in one piece it’s time for Team rounders.  Look at Hannah G. Really hitting that ball; watch it, ‘cause it’s “over garden out” in this game.  Cripes George, that’s a good’n!  Wow, who hit that one?  Wait a minute, what’s George up to?  He’s cut the corner off, running round; here, have you been having lessons off your brother Harrison?  Hey, Jessie, put that tongue away, you’re supposed to hit the ball not lick it!  Now, give it a whack, Mac!  Are you ready Freddie?  Give it a slam Sam!  Oh, and mmmmmm, do your best Caleb!!  Eye, eye, what’s that I feel; could it be rain?  Let’s just keep playing – we’ve all got our life-jackets on.  Oh no, it’s really raining cats and dogs; well, make sure you clean up after them!  Everyone leg-it back to the Clubhouse.  Just in time for a cake break.  To end the afternoon it’s games in the Clubhouse; just a minute, put him down Beth, it’s not those sort of games.  

The first game is picking the cereal box off the floor without using your hands, and without putting your hands on the ground – you what?  Oh, I get it, you use your teeth; tell you what, I wish I had grannies teeth with me now – that would show them.   Well, that wasn’t too difficult, what’s next?   Oh, I get it, the boxes are cut down in height; maybe not quite so easy.  Now they’re cut down again....and again.  That’s me out, I can’t afford an injury, I’m a young man with a future ahead of me.  Cor, these girls are good.  The box has gone and there is just the flap on the floor.  Now, is she putting lipstick on or is that Pritstick?   Well, pickle my walnuts, they must be using suction – well done, I really am impressed.

The next game is a sailing one – but it’s blowing old boots out there; oh, I get you, it’s with model dinghies.  Your team has to take it in turns moving the boat towards you by reeling-in the string – this has got to be a wind-up (get it – wind-up, oh I should be on the stage; yes the landing stage at Harwich).  What a lot of twiddling going on; by the way Claire, what are the Portsmouth Yardsticks for these trim little craft?  Ouch, I only asked.

Next it’s blow-sailing with our skilfully designed paper dinghies.  Taking it in turns, each team member huffs and puffs until their boat finishes – what was that Ross?  Does the course include a sausage?  Trust you to think of your stomach!

And finally, how quickly can each team lower a Topper spar onto the floor from a set height, by just having it resting on the back of the whole team’s fingers.  Sounds easy?  Well. Let me assure you it isn’t, but it’s good fun.

The rain has stopped so it must be time to go home – cheers me dears, see you all tomorrow.

Thursday:  Blow me down...well actually blow everyone and everything down... that wind is starting to whistle round the house and hey – I think I can recognise that tune – “No sailing today”.  Hey, it’s so windy that one of our chickens has laid the same egg six times.

Watcha y’all, don’t tell me...no, let me guess...there isn’t going to be any sailing today; yup, looks like I’m right.  Well, here’s a first – we are being told not to get changed!  Let’s hear what’s going on.  Here’s the Cadet Officer, now sock-it to us Claire!  What?  You can’t be serious – she just said we are being taught to knit this morning; get out it, you’re having a laugh!  Here it comes....the wind is too strong...exceeding 30 m.p.h. (hope that wind doesn’t get pulled over by the police)...no sailing this morning, blah, blah, blah, might be able to get out this afternoon.  So, this morning we have one of the Commodore’s Treasure Hunts, round the streets of Holland on Sea; thinks....maybe the knitting malarkey wasn’t such a bad idea.  Right, we’re going this way and you’re going that way, can’t be right?  Oh yeah, you’re on one of the other teams.  The trouble is the Commodore’s clues are so cryptic, just look at this one...

What is 200 feet tall, made of sponge cake, fruit, custard and whipped cream on top, and stands in the middle of Paris?  What was that?...The Trifle Tower...so, you think you are funny, eh?  Why are we getting odd looks from the people who’s houses we are staring at?  You should be pleased that anyone looks twice at those pink net curtains love...very tasteful.  Hello, what does this woman want?  Oh, she says she is looking for her cat with one eye.  Mmmm, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes Mrs.  Now, what is the next clue?  Oh yes, look for the flag of the British Shallot Society....there it is...The Onion Jack!  Cooo...I’m really getting into this Treasure Hunt, it’s a bit of a laugh!  Cor, look at that girl over there...she’s got everything a man could want – a beard, big muscles, and a moustache.  Now, how are we doing?  Well, I can’t even read your writing...I reckon if you took that to a Chemist he would make it up; talking of which, I reckon you have made half the answers up...yeah...very funny.

Can I help you madam?  Yes, the shops are just up there and turn left.  Oh, your baby is cute, has the health and safety officer checked the baby’s biscuit; yeah, he needs to do a rusk assessment.  No need to get sniffy, I was only joking.  Oh look, there’s the Club, thank goodness; it’s not that I didn’t enjoy the Treasure Hunt, it just got a bit too serious for me, as you can tell.  

Claire announces that we will all go swimming after our lunch; excuse me, why can’t we just get it from the galley like we usually do.  Oh, silly me; well anyone could make that mistake.  Can I have baked beans on my jacket potato please?  Now this is really tasty, I must ask Helen for the recipe.  What’s that?  You say it’s bean salad?  I don’t care what it’s been, what is it now?  Just looking out of the Clubhouse window makes me feel seasick, those waves are massive, what’s the wind doing?  Cor, did you see that, the Club’s weather station just hit 40 m.p.h. – now that’s going some.  

Time to get changed into our wetsuits, let’s have some fun in the water.  It’s so rough I reckon we can go surfing.  Wow, some of the Otters are struggling to get past the surf-line.  Yeah, sure, I can help you, just climb on my shoulders; no, not all at once...please.  Look, there’s Jude, he just lays in the water and let’s a wave wash him up the beach.  Here, mate, are you related to a fish?  Ouch, a crab’s just bitten my toe.  Which one?  I don’t know, all crabs look alike to me.  These waves are real monsters, seeing is believing.  What are those adults doing on the shore?  Oh, I get it, they are counting us to make sure we are still all there – here, mate, you’ve never quite been all there; how does that work then?

Here, mate, how do you keep a fool in suspense?  You don’t know?  Well I’ll tell you tomorrow...arf...arf.  Here, who’s blowing that whistle?  Oh, it’s Claire...everyone out and get changed.  Cripes, it was warm in that sea but now I am out I am starting to feel cold.  Time for a nice warm shower; what’s this – a massive queue, stone me, save some water for me.  Mind you, it’s so crowded in the changing room; I bent down to put a sock on and found I was looking up old friends!  Steady mate, any closer and we will need to get married.  Tell you what, let’s all do synchronised getting dressed and then we won’t get in each other’s way.  Hey, this works – I could flog this idea to the BBC, Celebrity Synchronised Changing – I could make a fortune.

Now here are the best words of the day – it’s a cake break – very tasty.  Just one problem, what shall I have?..Ooooooh that’s rather nice, any chance of a bit more?  Yes – cor you’re a sweetie.

And we are going to finish off with a home-movie or two – who made this?  Alfred Dishcloth...what?  Hitchcock?  There’s no need to get personal.  Now that’s funny...that’s scary...that’s hard to see.  Here, did you hear that our local cinema usherette got married the other day?...yeah, straight up, she walked down the aisle backwards.  Actually, this is more fun than cutting your toe nails – it really is good.  Well I never, I’ve learnt something today.  Oh, the lights have gone up, it’s nearly 5 o’clock and time to go home...fantastic day, and the weather-forecast looks more promising tomorrow...our last day...I really don’t want the week to be over...yeah, see you guys in the morning; with a bit of luck we will be out on the water. 

Friday:  The last day, I can’t believe it!  And the wind is still quite strong, fingers crossed we can get on the water today...pleeeeeaaaaase.  Mum, where’s my sailing gear?  I’m in the dog-house this morning as our neighbour complained to my mum about me.  I mean, I was only throwing stones at his cat.  The old boy came out and shouted “I’ll teach you to throw stones at my cat”, and all I said was “I wish you would ‘cause I keep missing the thing”.  Some people have no sense of humour.  Right, let’s go. 

Hey, it looks promising, the Commodore is putting the signal flags on the pole.  Oh, not again, he’s stopped and wandered back into the Clubhouse – this is like déjà-vu of Wednesday.  He’s shaking his head; everything is on hold.  Into the Clubhouse we all pour, waiting with baited breath for Claire’s briefing.  Here we go...wind supposed to fall away this afternoon...games this morning...hopefully two races this afternoon...oh yes, and we’ve got to polish off the cakes, I hope Finlay didn’t pick up on that.

The first game this morning is to search the beach for buried bottle tops.  Here, it would help if the bottle was still attached.  Here we all are, scrabbling around in a defined square, rubbing our fingers through the sand...hang on, what’s this I’ve found...yuk...I’m just glad I didn’t tread in it.  How are we doing?  Our team seems to have more than anyone else; ah, that’s because we have three inches of sand at the bottom of our bucket.

Next comes the long jump – and the markers are the Team mascots!  Go it Mia, you just missed landing on the rubber pig!  Ben leaps over the rubber chicken, as one does,...Nice one Sophie,...Oh crikey Mac, you did land on the chicken, are you alright; no not you Mac, I was talking to the chicken, but it just replies with a lot of fowl language.  That’s a cool bit of work Jess,...don’t forget to stop running Hannah, there goes Emily, always smiling.   After everyone has jumped their socks off we all head for a bit of shot-putting, once we’ve all found our socks.  This is really proving interesting, as some people seem to forget the idea of letting go, others lose all sense of direction...resulting in Freddie getting clobbered!  Owen certainly makes it look easy, and the girls are far stronger than any of us imagined.  Hey...good shot, who was that?  Golly Gumdrops it was George – wow some throwing mate!

Oh look – it’s the “F” flag at the yardarm, lunch is ready.  My favourite day – it’s a juicy chicken burger, with chips, followed by a Magnum Ice Cream – now that’s what I call living.  And there are more chips...quick Finlay, now’s your chance!  Keep this to yourself but the wind has abated a little, let’s cross everything.  There goes the Club Bell, and Claire is announcing that there will be two races this afternoon so we can play catch-up – I knew there was something I wanted on my chicken burger – pass the tomato ketchup, it also goes a treat with a mint Magnum!  We gold fleet sailors troop out the Clubhouse to the Course Board where Richard is waving his arms around and explaining the different courses; oh no he’s knot, he’s trying to get rid of a wasp.  In the Clubhouse Claire is revealing the afternoon games for the less experienced sailors – and it seems to mainly revolve around eggs!

Hey, there’s still a good wind to make this racing really exciting.  There goes Ted in his Topper, good on yer mate.  Crikey, there’s quite a tussle amongst the Topazes – ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing, cor it looks fun.  Harrison and Mac have got off to a stonking good start, but Maddie and Francesca are hot on their heels.  Oh, oh – Jude and Esme have hit a problem – the jaws on their boom have broken and they’re forced to retire...hard cheese chaps!  As for the 405s Henry is looking glum because his helm, Alex, has got an ear infection and can’t make it today.  I bet it was you, Henry, giving him a lot of ear-ache; arf arf!!!  The Commodore said he once found some jelly in one ear, and some custard in the other; that explained why he was a trifle deaf...arf....arf.  After a good start by The Philpot brothers it wasn’t long before Ross and Caleb Aylen were right on their tails, come-on boys, hoist your kites, let’s see who capsizes first.  What! I see no kites... I see, playing it safe.  What’s happening in the Topazes?  Who’s capsized?  Oh no, look guys, get it up, they’re all sailing past you, and to think that you were in the lead.  Here comes Ted to finish in his Topper, and it looks like Finlay and Freddie are going to take the honours in the Topazes.  Hey, Finlay, weren’t you Beth the other day?  What’s going on?  Oh look, isn’t that Harry going great-guns in his Laser.  There goes the horn; here, where did we come?

Results – Class Points 3:

Toppers:

1. Ted Newson

Topazes:

1. Finlay Williams & Freddie Spooner

2. Maddie Corbett & Francesca Cottee

3. Harrison Smith & Mac Symmonds

405’s:

1. Ross & Caleb Aylen

2. Tom & Ed Philpot

Menagerie:

1. Laser - Harry Swinbourne

It’s time for that wicked cake-break...yes please, oh, and one of them too please...and a bit of that would just slip down nicely.  Cor, I’m stuffed.  Do I want some more?  I don’t think I can move off this chair.  What was that?  The fourth and final race, well make your mind-up – is it the fourth or the final race?  Alright, clever-dick, I was only joking!  I hope the wind has increased as I have just put-on two stone. 

Meanwhile, the Silver Fleet are finishing the day with egg-rolling, along the sand.  What/ who said it sounds easy?...you’re rolling it with your nose!!  Yeah...I’m being serious.  And if that isn’t enough, then it’s egg throwing...no, not using your nose this time; for goodness sake!     Ted’s away with his Topper...what do you mean...I’m away with the fairies?  Now it’s the Topazes...cor, Owen and Lauren, hang on, that’s not Lauren, that’s Caleb, are doing well; look at them go.  At the end of the first lap they are leading the fleet – go it lads.  Tom and Ed look like they’ve got it comfortable in the 405s, and Harry seems to have it sewn-up in the Menagerie fleet.  But wait a moment, things seem to be changing in the Topaz fleet, that crafty pair Finlay and Freddie have slipped into the lead, followed by Maddie and Francesca, and isn’t that Lauren too (I think I am now wellandtrulyconfused.com) – good on y’all, it’s going to be a tussle to the last minute.  What an exciting end to Cadet Week.  

Results – Class Points 4:

Toppers:

1. Ted Newson

Topazes:

1. Finlay Williams & Freddie Spooner

2. Maddie Corbett & Francesca Cottee

3. Owen Hooper & Caleb Aylen

405’s:

1. Tom & Ed Philpot

Menagerie:

1. Laser - Harry Swinbourne

Saturday:  Well, this is it, the Cadet Week Party, and we’re going to find out which team has won...I hope it’s ours.  Have you seen my clobber?  Looks cool, doesn’t it?  Do you like my hair all spiked up in the air?  I didn’t know how to get this to work but, whilst mum wasn’t looking, I used a bit of goose fat.  You have to agree, this really does look cool, but I don’t know why these flies keep following me around?  Hey, talking of flies, it’s buzzing in the Clubhouse and we’re all having a great time.  Wow – look at the grub – that turkey is thick and juicy – why does it remind me of that girl over there?  Hee...hee.  Tastes as good as it looks (the turkey not the girl, stupid), and that coleslaw, potato, carrot, and pea thingy; yes please, I will have a bit more stuffing.  See, I can be polite when I want to be.  Oh, it’s so unfair, they put out three different puddings and say you can only have one.  Tell you what, I’ll swap a bit of my chocolate gateau, for a piece of your apple tart, and I’ll swap another piece of my gateau with that girl’s lemon tart...must be careful how I word this or I could be wearing my gateau!  

Hello, the bell’s being rung, is it back to lessons?  Oh, no; Our Cadet Officer is saying a few words.  Let’s see if I agree with her:

• Super sailing – tick

• Fun games – tick

• Lovely food – tick

• Lots of laughter – tick

• Wonderful camaraderie – I would tick this if I knew what it meant

• Great fun – tick and double tick

Hey – you and me, we are on the same wavelength.  

Now, here come the T-shirts – yeah, they’re pretty cool, I reckon I could cut quite a dashing figure in that – thanks Claire I will put mine on straight away.

Now for the trophies, but hang about, there are certificates first; that is what I call a cool idea.  Now who has got what?  Cor, there are some interesting categories.  Is their one for me?  Did I hear my name – The Cadet with the most inspiration, yeah that sounds like they’ve got my measure at last.  Pardon?  The Cadet with the most perspiration – hang about, that’s not sweat, that’s the goose fat melting in the heat and running down my face...Really!  Some people!   Now come the trophies:

Swallows Trophy – Toppers:  Ted Newson

Amazons Trophy – Topazes:  Beth Elliot/Finlay Williams & Freddie Spooner

Captain Flint Trophy – 405s:  Tom & Ed Philpot

Long John Silver Trophy – Menagerie:  Harry Swinbourne - Laser

And is that a roll of the drums I hear?  There’s a new trophy which has kindly been donated by our Cadet Week sponsors – DONG Energy (thanks guys), and that’s for the winning Team, and it goes to:  This is where, if it was being shown on the telly, you would have time to go out and make a cup of tea, take the dog for a walk, and still have time to clean the car.  Yes, it’s Team Frank N Stick – congrats guys – a really good result.  Oh, and Piggy Power and K F Sea came joint second; couldn’t be better.

Hang on, hang on – here come Harry and Tom.  They’re thanking all those that helped, and giving out presents – brilliant.  I heard that there were some 25 adult helpers over Cadet Week – now that is amazing.  

And the last, very big, thank you is going to our Cadet Officer Claire – without you this would never have happened...and we really loved the pink polo shirt!

Yeah, the party’s over, the Week has gone for another year, but you know what?  I can’t wait for the 2018 Cadet Week.  Just one lesson I did learn tonight – you might not “pull the birds” with goose fat on your hair, but you certainly can attract the blue-bottles, wasps and even moths – hey, don’t you dare try and attack my T-shirt!